Buckle up mamas, we are fixing to get a little personal. Today we are gonna talk about the “S” word. And no, I am not talking about shut up or stupid.
Today, let’s talk about S-E-X.
Yup, I said it. Sex.
More importantly let’s talk about sex with your spouse after kids.
Let’s take a little poll shall we? No need to get nervous, nobody can hear your answers.
When was the last time you and your spouse had sex?
If you have to pause to think about the answer, it’s been too long.
I know, I know, having kids can throw a wrench in the whole honeymoon stage. And adding more than one offspring to the mix only complicates matters more. Between watching kids, cleaning house, cooking, laundry, the to do list never seems to end. And sadly at the end of the day, the one thing or rather the one person to do (yeah I said it) falls by the wayside.
And for whatever reason we try convincing ourselves, and our friends and fellow mamas that it is ok. That our husbands will understand. That it is just a phase.
Are any of those things false? Probably not. Your hubby probably does understand. And hopefully it is just a phase. The kiddos won’t be small forever. Eventually you will get more sleep than you do now. One day it will probably be easier.
But what if it isn’t? What if the more you make the excuses…the kids, the chores, your exhaustion. What if the more you put off making your spouse and intimacy in your marriage a priority the farther the two of you drift apart? And then the kids will grow, and the to do list with carry a lighter load, and then what? Will there be anything left?
Now I understand that sex does not make a marriage. No need to send the hate mail. But carving out time to be intimate with your spouse is important. You have to remember…..
Your family first started with you and your spouse.
More and more I see articles written by moms justifying the reasons they neglect their marriage and their spouse. They talk about never planning date nights or carving out alone time. They share that they give their best to their kids and give their spouses whatever is left. And it makes me sad.
As much as I love my children, they do not come first. Will does. We are a united front. A team. Together we love our children and that is the way we approach our marriage and our family. Does that mean that I neglect my kids? Or that I don’t really love them? Of course not. It means the exact opposite. I love them so much that I strive daily to show them what a Godly marriage looks like. To show them the love and respect that Will and I share, and that we make our marriage and our love a priority. Is it always easy? Nope. Does my husband sometimes get me at my worst? Of course he does….I am human.
I think as married women with children, we need to put the focus back on our spouses. To stop hiding behind the exhaustion and the countless excuses and start making time for our spouse, and even take the time for intimacy. It was fun once remember?! I have always loved Mandy Rose, and she and her husband have a website Marriage More that is a great resource for doing just that. And right now that have a 7 day sex challenge that could help get you and your spouse reconnected and started fresh. They aren’t paying me to say that, I just truly admire and respect what they are doing and think they are worth checking out.
Carve some time out for your spouse this week. Save some of your best for him. Put in some extra effort and see where it takes you.
megan w says
So agree! I’ve also been following marriage more and like the idea of the seven day challenge. Could be fun! 😉
Jaclyn Kent says
You bring up a very good point, that maybe we’re hiding behind those excuses and maybe it isn’t just a phase. I can say that I have a strong intimate relationship with my husband, but I can definitely relate this to many other things that I make excuses for. 😉
Tiffany @ A Touch of Grace says
Yes! I know people find it taboo to talk about, but sex really is so important in a marriage. My hubby and I have a great intimate relationship, and I feel much more connected to him when we do. Love Mandy Rose and her hubby too!
I once stated my stance that my husband comes before my kids and I couldn’t believe the backlash I got from other women. But, like you said, he came first. He is my partner in life and TOGETHER we created our wonderful children. It just doesn’t make sense that as soon as the kids arrive, he should be put on the back burner.
It seems like people think that I am neglecting my kids when I say that my husband comes first. They don’t seem to understand that TOGETHER we make sure our kids are loved and cared for without neglecting each other.
Thank you for this post. I’m so glad to know that others feel the same way I do.
I think I’m going to sound crazy to some, but here we go: sex is only part of the intimacy needed for a strong marriage. Married people should have sex, of course, but I’d just cautiously suggest that if you’re not having a lot of sex it could just be a slump or it could be that the other relational things in your marriage need some attention, too. If you have a good conversation, a nice meal, make some plans or tackle a project, learn something together, pray together,cook together, or volunteer together, you’re bonding on different levels all of which lead to a better sex life. If you and your husband aren’t on the same page, no amount of physical connection is going to fill the void.