I sat at dinner a few weeks ago with some girl friends and our conversation is one that has resonated with me.
I am not even sure anyone else there was impacted by our chat in the way I was.
It was a simple conversation. A conversation about life.
Michelle and I met up with some of our blogging friends, some of our contributors who live in the area to be exact. Our conversation turned from superficial blogging fun to the real reason we blog.
Somewhere in our chat I mentioned that there are topics I think of blogging about but I find myself being more guarded in the details. I am not guarded because I don’t want to share but because of the fear that hides behind it.
I honestly, just haven’t been brave enough to go there.
But, during our conversation some sweet words were spoken and it was in that moment God spoke to me. The question was posed, then why am I here? Yes, we were talking about blogging but in that moment all ideas of blogging faded away and why am I here is what continued to play in my head.
Why Am I Here?
There was a moment in my life where me being here was in question.
Ten years (she would say 10 1/2) ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My pregnancy with her was hard. It was filled with bed rest, medications and many scares. But on that day, she was here. Healthy, plump, pink and screaming. I remember hearing her scream and I remember her being laid on my chest but after that my memory is a blur.
I remember waking up what seemed like days later to her crying but having no energy to do anything. There were others in the room but nothing seemed “real.” I was told this was normal, it is not. They sent me home from the hospital but nothing still felt “right.”
I could not breath, my body was swelling, I was not producing milk, my head felt swimmy and the only way I felt relief was to sit in the bath tub leaning completely forward. It’s the only way I could catch a breath.
I delivered Eden on a Wednesday and by the following Sunday I was back in the hospital. My stats were all over the place and my nurse quickly realized something was seriously wrong. This nurse, I do not even remember her name. But, she helped to save my life. She pushed and pushed the doctors until they came up with a diagnosis and that I was actually in the midst of my heart shutting down on me.
I have what is called Postpartum Cardiomyopathy. After having Eden, my body started attacking itself including my heart. I was in the ICU for several days. The topic of a heart transplant came up. The possibility of me not recovering was there.
I shared more about my journey here.
But, what I have not shared with you is the fear that since that time has completely taken over me. A fear that traps me and consumes me. It is a fear of the unknown and thinking is THIS it. I live my life waiting for the ball to drop.
I have suppressed these feelings and not acknowledged the fear I live in because then I would have to go there. I would have to talk about the possibility of something happening. Not the fear of something happening to me but to my family. To my girls. The fear of my heart giving in and me no longer being here for my girls. Everyone else would be ok but they are my babies, they need their Mama.
But, with this small question of why am I here I received hope. It is a hope that I have known in my head but was not accepting in my heart.
I am here because God has a plan for me. He has a plan that I cannot see and one that I may not even understand. He has a plan for me that he created thoughtfully and completely when He created me.
HE loves me deeper that anyone here on earth could ever fathom. He desires to heal the fear that lives inside of me.
He has already performed miracles in me.
By the world’s standards I should not be here but His plans are greater.
I pray that my story can be used for His glory. It is the story He gave me. He has entrusted it to me.
The question of why am I here no longer remains.
The bigger and more important question now is what am I going to do with it?
We here at MWOA pray that you know this Easter weekend how much Jesus loves you and desires to have a relationship with you.
We are praying for you Mama’s.