My journey to mommyhood has been something that I’ve been very open and honest about on social media, and as I sit here typing this out with my three year old snuggling my almost-third-trimester belly, I can tell you that the emotions of being a mom are so. very. real. And the journey to achieving #momstatus doesn’t end with your firstborn; it only begins there. Every mom has a story.
For the longest time, I thought that becoming a mom was easy: you know, you fall in love, get married, do the “thing”, and nine months later, you have the new label- Faison Weiss, M.O.M. So easy!
What you might not know about me just from seeing this photo above, other than me playing with my toddler at Disney and currently 26 weeks pregnant, is that I was on fertility treatments for over a year and a half for this current pregnancy. The 142 pills each month were overwhelming, and I can’t tell you the amount of money we spent on pregnancy tests, and the waiting and waitingggg in the bathroom to see if we’d see a positive sign on the test.
What you also might not know about me is that I’ve had five miscarriages. Yes, five, and our most recent was in May of 2016. They are five sweet babies that we never got to hold. One of those babies was Walter’s twin, and to this day I still have to look away when I see a twin double stroller. It wasn’t in His plan for us, and that’s something that I still struggle with from time to time. PCOS is known to increase the chances of miscarriage, and while we expected an uphill battle to create a family, we never expected that we would have five angel babies. There had always been these questions, “Why me, God? Why me? What have I done to not deserve another baby?” that swirled around my mind. I know, it isn’t healthy and it’s wrong to point the finger above or at myself for this, but I can’t help it. I have always been the person that needs answers, and in my weakest moments I’ve begged for them- and for a long time I heard nothing.
For a long time I was resentful of the pregnant woman that I’d see at Target with one or two other little ones who would complain about having her babies so close together in age, and it started to take a toll on my family and my marriage. Why can’t I get pregnant and stay pregnant?! Why?! This isn’t my husband’s fault, why are you punishing him too? Why can’t I give my child a sibling to play with? He asks for a baby constantly, and THIS ISN’T FAIR.
Last fall I was self-imploding, and it took a lot of tough love and therapy to accept the fact that the Weiss fam would be a family of three. But there was still a piece of me that didn’t want to give up on our dreams as a family of four, and after lots of praying together, Peter and I made our appointment at an IVF clinic in Houston for December 23rd. This would be it- we’d only do two rounds and then call it if it didn’t work out.
And then something happened, four days before our IVF appointment. I felt “off”, and ended up going to the grocery store to grab an anxiety-inducing pregnancy test. I came home and took it that morning.
It was positive.
Positive?? Wait, is this for real?! I remember the first thing that went through my head, and no joke, it was, “Quick! Get bubble wrap and wrap yourself in it!” so I wouldn’t miscarry again. While it wasn’t something that I’d actually do, it accurately expresses how I felt each and every time I saw a positive pregnancy test; it wasn’t ever a “YAY! I’m pregnant! Let’s tell everyone!”, but more of a “I am absolutely terrified for the next eight+ weeks.”
We didn’t tell our friends about the positive pregnancy test, and we didn’t even tell our families. We kept it quiet all throughout the holidays, and it wasn’t until we made it past the sixteen-week mark in February that we took our news public.
While we are incredibly, over-the-moon, so very happy and excited for this little one to get here in July, I won’t feel completely relieved and have that “safe” feeling until she’s in my arms in just a few short months.
It’s true, I’ve become the mom that I once resented in Target, the one who’s wrangling a little one and pregnant with another. There are days where I feel guilty for being pregnant when hearing of others struggle with fertility issues because we were there. And yet I feel so incredibly thankful at the same time for our pregnancy, and for the journey that we’ve had to get here… yes, including the five miscarriages.
Earning my mom jeans wasn’t as easy as I thought it’d be, but our pathway to becoming a family of four has been worth every single emotion, every tear shed, and every setback we’ve received. It’s a wild ride, this mommyhood journey, and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us in July.